Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Insominia and The Wall

So, lately I have been suffering from insomnia. Well, I think it's insomnia anyway. When I want to go to sleep, I can't. I usually don't sleep until 2 or 3 am even if I try to go to bed between 10 and 12. I wake up at 9 every day. It is a little hard getting up, but other than that, I'm fine. I've always been the type that needs 8 hours of sleep every night. Now I seem to work just fine on 6 or 7 hours. I wonder if it has anything to do with the exercise habits I have formed. I would think it would drain me of energy when the day is through.

Today I backed my car into a wall in the parking garage. I'm so stupid. I wasn't paying attention. The thing is not even 2 months old yet! It isn't dented... mostly just scratched paint, but still. It will cost a lot to fix and I refuse to just let it go. If it was an old car, fine- whatever. But it's new and I will have it for a long time. So there goes money I don't have. :( I'm actually pretty okay with it. I thought that if I did something like that I'd be devastated. It is just a car after all. But it happened during the "new toy" phase. You know the one. After you get a present for Christmas it is hard to let other kids play with it because it is new and fun. Maybe I'm being taught a lesson by the man upstairs.

I think I am becoming increasingly more focused on obtaining "things" in this life. It isn't good. I turn to temporal objects to make me happy rather than to the real source of happiness. It's funny because my friend Michelle was so happy today. She was happy because she knew the gospel was true and that she had it. It was this unexplainable happiness. Then here I was- about to let a few little scratches on my bumper ruin my day or week(s). My priorities are all wrong.

I am so glad I attend BYU. If I were anywhere else for college, I think I'd be lost. At least here I am constantly reminded by people around me how I should act, think. I am taught it by professors. I find myself resisting it often times. I hear it, or witness it- but I don't let it affect me really. On the surface it is good, but I'm kind of hardened against letting it change me.

When I was younger I used to think perfectionism was a good thing to be plauged with. Since then, I have learned that it really isn't good. When I do something- it has to be to perfection. My things have to be perfect. That seems okay... but then if something is imperfect, it's a reject. Problem is, I'm not perfect. I can't live up to this perfection that I seem to place so much importance on. Sometimes this causes me to give up on myself- which isn't good.

Anyway, I have so much to learn and change. It is so hard for me to do though. It is hard for me to change. I suppose I am not humble enough. Maybe this is what God was trying to teach me through this tiny trial. Writing this post has actually helped me learn a lot. Of what importance is a car? It could be wrecked tomorrow. Eventually it will not be operational. When I die, it will be the last thing on my mind. It will not go with me into the eternal worlds. It is an insignificant object that is meaningless in the eternities. Why am I so stuck on these temporal things? How frustrating. My priorities are wrong.


Bruce said...

I think it's great that you're honest and introspective enough to think about things like this. I think we all have our priorities out of whack to one degree or another. It's the process of a lifetime to learn to balance everything well.

I feel like reading the scriptures every day and going to the temple often really help me to keep my priorities straight. When I'm not doing those things, it seems like my perspective gets really skewed.

Michelle said...

i concur with bruce. I'm sorry that I was a guilty reminder of ur priorities. I understand you. I have suffered from the perfectionist syndrome. It is just a car. Yesterday, I was happy and seeing you made me happy also. I don't know it was just because I felt my Savior's love. Writing also helps. Yesterday I wrote on my computer a journal entry. It was so delightful. Correction is so easy! I love the change that is possible through the atonement. It's so nice to know that God will take care of your flaws when you just render yourself completely to his trust. I would love to talk to u about the happiness I experienced yesterday. I don't remember being this happy in sooo long :)

Brensters said...

Wow i really liked reading what you wrote. I think i have felt that way too. Remembering my baptismal covenants and my conversion to the church. My institute director asked me to share with the class my conversion story. I was reminded who I was then and how I am slipping away little by little to temporal things. I am grateful for those reminders and points of reflection. I think that is why I am moving back to Utah even though i did not get into BYU. I know L.A is not right for me. I agree a car is just a car. :)

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