Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I've always had good friends. I don't really think I understand completely what a blessing this is because I've never been without. Well, I can't say that. I moved once and knew no one. That was devastating. So I guess I can appreciate having good friends.

My friends like me for who I am, even when I annoy the heck out of myself. They try their best to lift me up and I really do appreciate that. I don't know if I deserve the friends I've had, but they have sure made my life a lot more enjoyable.

It is really difficult for me to be myself around people I don't know very well. I really enjoy getting to know more people and meeting different personalities... it is just hard for me to open up. One reason, i think, is that I wish I were someone different... even though I know being myself is best. I have this view of the cooler version of me in my head I guess... but I can't make myself be that person. It has nothing to do with the improved me. Of course I want to strive to better myself as a human being. It is more like I wish my personality were different. I wish I loved to dance and that I was more outgoing. I wish I only spoke when I had something meaningful to say rather than just yapping about nothing. I wish I was a bit more serious or intense rather than so loud and sarcastic. I wish I were more confident and sure of myself. I'm hoping that others can relate to this and it doesn't sound completely ridiculous.

On the outside, I may appear to be this person. But ask anyone and they will tell you that that is just not the case. The facade is actually closer to who I want to be... except for the negative things people think when they see me. I don't want to be a stuck-up too-good-for-you boy from California. That is some of the things people think before they know me.

Anyway, I am just really glad that I've had friends who accept me for who I am. I don't know if I am always the best friend I could be in return- and I'm sorry for that. Thanks for being awesome!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Fun does not equal Happiness

Lindy posted something about knowing what happiness is and I have been thinking about it a little. Then today in class, we learned more about what happiness is. Somehow, we seem to think that having fun is what makes you happy. In fact, it is almost the opposite. Things that bring true happiness often come from pain and difficulty.

Think about it. If fun equaled happiness, the Hollywood movie stars would have it made. Big houses, fun parties, fun cars- They probably have all sorts of crazy fun. Yet all you hear about them is depression, drugs, alcohol addiction, divorce, loneliness. Fun happens while you are doing something. Happiness is there after you are done doing what it is you did.

Happiness comes from family- Easy-peasy. Except half of all marriages end in divorce and having and raising kids could kill you. Our lives are so driven by money. We live for money. But the things that we buy that we think we need really isn't costing us money. It is costing us our lives. We waste them away to get things that will never go on with us past the grave. Although I know this, It is so hard to flip the switch in my head to simplify life and go after what truly brings happiness. It all comes from giving of ourselves.

What I would like more than anything is to become financially secure early on (living a fairly simple lifestyle) so that I don't have to stress about working my life away. I want to have time to do good in the world. To give of myself. That includes family, friends, and strangers. I know that if I am seeking the dream where I have everything, I will die trying to get there and have nothing to show for it. I will not be happy. Right now, I feel like I am pretty money-driven. But I also allow for that because I need to start my professional career soon. I just hope that once I am there, and I can provide for all the necessities, I will be able to stop being such a workaholic.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


One really difficult thing about doing anything artistic in a deadline atmosphere is that inspiration just doesn't come at the flip of a switch. I am trying to conceive an idea for a short film I am shooting on 16mm film. It is mostly experimental, but it is also expensive and I want it to turn out good. But we were given such a short amount of time and I have been so busy that I cannot think very well. Not to mention be creative. I will definitely be enlisting the help of friends.

I am so worn out right now it is amazing. Why do I get myself involved in so much? I think it is because I'm afraid of missing out on a good opportunity. I think it is also the result of my decision to go into film in the first place. It was hard for me to make the decision initially because I knew it was risky. Even though it was all I wanted to do. So now, I make up for that by working really hard and trying to do everything. This week I will probably work 40 hours on top of school and other projects. That is insane!

I am just hoping it will hall pay off in the end. I hope that I am getting the experience I need to become successful one day.