Sunday, March 22, 2009

A Funeral

Yesterday I went to my grandma's funeral. She was 78. From what I hear, her death was very painful- which is really sad to me. It was hard at first for me to look at her in the casket. I've never seen a dead body. She looked as if she were sleeping. I expected her to stir and open her eyes. But her skin was stiff and cold.

I was close to my grandparents. My grandpa died pretty unexpectedly while I was on my mission. I have never even seen his grave. His death didn't really effect me like I thought it would. I wasn't effected by my grandmother's death either until I went to the funeral. I know that if I was at my grandpa's funeral, it would have got to me too. I never cry... but I couldn't hold it back during her service. It felt good. I forgot how good it feels after you cry.

My grandma was an awesome lady. She really missed my grandpa. They loved each other so much. She was the last in her family to die. I read a small little entry (probably her last) that she began in a small notebook. In it she said that she was grateful to be able to receive care and that it was a blessing. She was at a care home. She said "oh how I miss my dear John," which made me want to cry. She also said that she knew he was an angel and had work to do and that she felt her sisters around her to comfort her. She also expressed the fact that she missed her parents, but she wasn't sure she was worthy for them to see her. My grandma pretty much ran off to Hollywood and met and married my grandpa without telling her parents. She was rebellious. You should see some of the pictures I have of her.

I am glad she is with my grandpa and her family now and that she doesn't have to feel pain anymore. I am really glad I was there at her funeral. It makes me realize what I missed out on at my grandpa's funeral- his death was never real to me and I had no chance to accept and purge my feelings about his death. But in a way, I did that at my grandma's funeral because his death became more of a reality to me.

Now, for a completely different topic. I am a little angry about this one, and it has nothing to do with my very bad day I wrote about last time. I know what I want. I know what I feel when I meet someone that I like. I don't have extensive dating experience, but I have learned a lot in those experiences that i have had. I am not bitter towards any girl in my past. I also know that I always eventually find a girl that suites me better than the last.

I know there are tons of girls that would make a good companion. But for me, it isn't just about whether they are trustworthy and smart and pretty. There has to be some kind of spark. And I don't know how else to describe it. I know what it feels like though. It is the excitement and nervousness, the feeling that you could do anything when you are with them. It is the little bit of mystery but at the same, a seemingly unnatural trust that you feel when you are with them. My eyes are not closed to who would best suit me. You might argue that it hasn't worked for me yet... I mean, so far I have only been rejected in the end. But guess what? It only works out ONCE. Every other time it will end and someone will be rejected.

I am not marriage hungry. And right now, I really don't have the time, resources, and money for a girl. I don't need to have a girlfriend to be happy. I want to focus on what I do best and on what I enjoy. I want to focus on making me happy. If somewhere along the way a girl with that spark catches my attention, sure I will pursue it. I'm not anti-relationship or anti-marriage. But I have plenty to do all on my own. I'm sorry that things don't work out how we think they should. It really is unfortunate. It would save a lot of pain and heartache. But they don't work out in any logical way and I am starting to get sick of how we always talk about how guys suck or girls suck and dating is messed up. I am guilty of this kind of talk. But I think I've learned to just live my life the way I want. I will do what is best for me. If a girl works into that equation eventually- than wonderful. But until then, life's going to be wonderful anyway.


BoGranger said...

Your grandmother is gorgeous! Really, what a beautiful woman! :-)

Jonathan said...

Aww.. thanks. She would be so happy to hear that. haha. She was a beautiful lady.

Brensters said...

I love the pictures you put up of your Grandma. They high light her well and I have to agree she is beautiful. It is good to cry sometimes. I used to not like crying because I guess I did not like to show emotion, but sometimes you have to let it out. I like how she has a rebellious story to how she meet your Grandpa and got married. She must have been and still is an amazing woman. :)

Lindy said...

Your grandma looks like an amazing woman. I'm glad you got to go to her funeral. Crying is a good thing. It can purge so much emotion. It may be weird, but I feel clean after I cry.

And I hope my blog post didn't contribute too much to your frustration. (Hmm...maybe it didn't contribute at all and I'm giving myself too much credit.) But you are so right. I think we all need to cool off and stop stressing about dating. That's certainly something I need to work on.

deRek and bRitt said...

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma! But at least she is with the love of her life again! You will see her again!

Melese said...

Jonathan, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. What a terrible terrible day you had. I hope you're doing well/better. Lots o' Love!