Monday, November 10, 2008

In Conflict

I have felt really frustrated lately. Frustrated with myself, with school, with the way things are going in the world. I feel like there are two parts of me. Almost like the whole angel and devil on your shoulders bit. They have become very real to me. There is one part of me that see's my potential and yearns to actualize that potential. It is the part of me that knows what I can become and how I can be better. It encourages me and gives me hope for the future. Then there is the other part- the stronger of the two I think, that refuses to be enlightened. It will not allow myself to receive the blessings that I could obtain if I listened to that other half of me. This part of me scoffs at people. It is pessimistic and carnal. It has no hope for progress and loves procrastination. It suppresses the other half in a way that makes me feel like a hypocrite if I do the things the "good half" wants me to do.

So now you are thinking I am suffering some sort of split-personality disorder. I assure you it isn't that. In scriptural terms it is the natural man vs the spiritual man I guess. I don't know how to change when I feel like a hypocrite when I try. It's like I've been convinced that I am not a spiritual person and "playing spiritual" would be like acting as if I were some high-and-mighty prince from a foreign land.

I noticed this week that I could battle these feelings if I had enough spiritual experiences to help me overcome them. Problem is, I only have these when they are required. Religion class for example. Or my editing class where we watched the director's cut of "Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration." I bought a soundtrack of violinist who plays religious hymns this week to try and help me. But I know that I need more than that. I just have this problem with feeling like a fake when I try actively looking for this spiritual enlightenment.

I've also been frustrated with school because i don't feel like I am accomplishing anything right now. I am not in classes that are really helping me develop skills I will need for my career and so i lack motivation. I am doing a minor in business management and I HATE the classes. They are not (for the most part) very interesting to me. I am much more interested in classes that involve discussion and these are all instruction and memorization.

Finally, what is happening to our country? I feel as if the years of plenty are over and we get to look forward to the long drought just in time for us to be finishing up school. I watched this video that Bruce posted and it was really interesting, informative, and scary. It scared me enough to re-think the way I will spend my tax return (good-bye macbook pro). Is it the beginning of the end? Can we pull through it? It is like the civilizations in Ancient America we read about in the Book of Mormon. They get wealthy and prosper and spend spend spend to obtain everything they need, want, and more until destruction comes. When they begin to suffer they start to be humbled. Well- welcome to adulthood... you're just in time for the part where civilization falls and suffers to be humbled. Wonderful.

Then there is the whole Proposition 8 thing. These moral issues combined with the irrisponsibility of governement and the common American to control spending makes me wonder if we will pull through this one. In history, when a nation suffered financially, they eventually realized their evil ways and turned to God. In our day however, the fight against morality seems to just be getting started. It amazed me how quick people were to use the word "hate" after the votes were counted. This pertains to the president as well as issues such as marriage. Please read this post by Melese's husband Kyle on why marriage should be protected- it is very well written.

There you have it. My frustrations in a nut shell.


Michelle said...

totally understand what u mean. It is so great that you at least recognize it :) For sure Satan is going to make u feel that way. PS you are not a hypocrite. A hypocrite is committing to something INTENTIONALLY planning to break that commitment. You are just a mere human. This state of frustration is necessary for growth. God loves you, the shoulder angel will win :) Pray to Heavenly Father for his feedback and best of all-trust him. If the last days do come we have no reason to fear because we are working towards righteousness. Your desires are good and you will be judged on that. Let your desires promote your actions. Oh and yes you do need more than just hymns and music. Satan is working hard on u right now, specifically on you because you have a crucial role in this world. Don't be discouraged hope will prosper. Be happy and trust God because he knows whats going on. It is scary but he will protect u. Jonathan I hope you feel better--All is well.

Brensters said...

Michelle basically put in perspective what I wanted to say. I know how you feel when you struggle. I found that when I turned my heart to heavenly father I was able to find peace and comfort. I had to give 2 talks this past Sunday and one was recognizing our potential. I think sometimes we are our tuffiest critics. Michelle is right when she said that you have a crucial part in this world. I sometimes find reading my patriartical blessing helps remind me of my potential and gives me the courage to change the desires of my heart to keep pressing forward in faith.

Anonymous said...

maybe u need a talk with a psychological therapist. or a relaxation.go outdoor and have a vacation.