Sunday, March 30, 2008

Knowing No One

Do you ever feel like it would be better not to know anyone so that you can't be disappointed? I've thought about this a lot actually. I think, man- if I could just be less responsive, talk less, even think less, I could save myself a lot of disappointment. Somehow this person seems more attractive to me. Slow to react, hard to read- mysterious in a way.

I've tried to be more like this person before. I always fail. Why do I feel the need to be involved? Why can't I repress it? It isn't that I don't want to know anyone, that title is misleading... but do I have to be involved in other people's lives? I feel like I get too involved and I need to prove to everyone and myself that I don't need to be.

It sounds really pessimistic, and I realize that, but I feel like by becoming involved with another person's life, their life somehow becomes part of mine, filling up space that could otherwise be separate and unique to my life. Then, when something changes in this other persons life, it effects mine as well. I do want to allow someone to be part of my life, but only one someone. The one someone that is equally invested in my life.

I also realize that building friendships and trust between people can be a source of fun and strength. Life would be really boring without people around who know that you are living it. Is their any happy medium? Can I make friends but refrain from becoming attached?

I don't even know why I am writing this. Maybe it just helps me ponder. I haven't told a soul about this blog- so I'm not expecting a response.

My speech is hardly eloquent. That is actually one thing that really frustrates me. I can never sufficiently vocalize what I am thinking or feeling. That is not one of my gifts. Somehow though, I feel as if I can express myself better in written words. I don't get frustrated because I write in my own time, in my own way, for me. On the other hand, when their is another person involved I tend to get frustrated as I form words and sentences and settle for mediocre expressions. I worry that the other person will grow impatient if I try to really express what I want to. In extreme cases, where the emotion or thought is deep and significant, I tend not to say anything at all.

Rather than not saying anything at all, I feel like I should at least write out my thoughts, if for no one else but myself. I doubt I will ever have something profound to say. But at least I'm saying something.

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