Monday, October 19, 2009

Off Balance

I'm not sure why I am writing this. I mean, I know I write because it helps me to understand what I am thinking, but it seems so weird to me to have it published where people can read. If I think about that too much I won't do it. I've been postponing this post. I guess I am afraid of being judged.

My life has been way out of balance for the past, oh I don't know, 6 months? Maybe longer. I keep myself incredibly busy. These past few weeks have been especially insane. I've been working on this movie every spare minute of the day and night. I have missed class, skipped work, and sacrificed sleep. It has been my life. I've pulled countless all-nighters. At one point I had only slept 5 hours in a 60 hour period. I caught a minor cold for a couple days, but somehow I don't have it anymore.

Anyway, that was just recently. Before then, I kept busy. I always have. I realize now why I do it. Why I make sure that I am so busy all the time. It's funny- it is the same advice President Hinkley gave to missionaries- go to work. I do it because in reality, I'm not happy. But if I'm busy, I don't have time to think about that.

I find lots of ways to stay busy. Working is one of them. Up until work on this movie began I worked almost every Sunday since August on top of my 20 hours on campus. I was working full time on top of school.

Playing. Yes, I do this when there isn't anymore work I can do. I have a blast. You would never know I was unhappy because, well- I can't believe it myself when I'm having so much fun.

These are really the two main ways I fill my time. I haven't been to church in who knows how long. At least since I moved into my new ward. I guess I can't call it my ward because I haven't even been there to get my records transferred. So at least 2 months... probably closer to 3.

When, at the end of the day, I have nothing to rush off to or errands to run, people to call, things to do-- I realize how entirely unhappy I am. I'm not a fool. I know why I'm not happy. I guess religion has all the answers. But here is the strange part. Even though I know what I need to do to be happy- I don't want to do it. I don't want to re-evaluate my life and put things in order and go to church and get a calling and do all the things I know I should and always have. It's pathetic-- I know. I'm letting myself slip away.

Don't get me wrong, I want more than anything to live the "Mormon Dream." You know, go to church, be spiritual and happy, get married, have kids. I have so many friends that are on that path and I am so happy for them. A part of me is jealous. I never thought I'd be where I am. I figured I'd be where they are I guess. I just don't know how. How do I get from point A to B? And second. Is it worth it? I mean, in the long run I know it will be. But habits are hard to break and form and that is rough.

So there. I've spilled my thoughts onto the internet for everyone to see. I didn't do it before because I thought girls might read it and think... wow, better stay away from that one. He isn't someone I'd want to get involved with. Which is true- they probably don't, but I don't care. I'm not going to pretend everything is just dandy so people around me feel more comfortable.


Lindy said...

Hey, Jonathan. I know I haven't seen you in, like, forever and a day, but I just wanted to let you know that if you need an ear, I'm just a couple buildings away. :D

deRek, bRitt & Rowyn said...

Hey Jonny, I have been where you are...I was inactive for like 6 months back in 2006. Although, my reasons for becoming inactive were because I had done some things that I was not proud of and honestly ashamed of. But,I didn't want to admit that to myself or the bishop. I was not ready for that next step. It took me almost a year and a half to go from being inactive to where I am today. I am a stubborn person. The only reason why I'm telling you this is because, that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life! It took so much work. And, at times I wanted to quit and turn back but I knew deep down that this would be the most important thing in my life! And let me tell you-because it was the hardest thing to do, it is now the most important thing to me. I hold my worthiness dear to my heart and I will NEVER let that happen again. Honestly, I never thought I would make it here - married, sealed and I have a beautiful family. But, it's all due to that hard work! I promise, ITS WORTH IT!!