Beginnings

Okay,

So this was my first week back from insanity. All I really wanted to do was sleep. But... next week- Next week is the beginning.

I've let a lot of things slide. Besides church attendance and all the good stuff that goes along with that, I also haven't been to the gym in months or eaten at my apartment. Sleep has been made optional and I have found myself sleeping at random locations where sanitation may have been questioned if I wasn't so freakin tired.

However, Sunday I am going to my ward for the first time. It should be interesting. "Oh hi, yeah- I've lived here for 2 months, nice to meet you." I hope that since I never was there in the first place I won't be considered "less-active" or whatever and get the special project treatment. I really planned on going last Sunday- I even got my suit dry-cleaned, but I got home at 7:30am on Sunday and there was no way in hell I was going to stay awake a minute longer. But tomorrow, I am finally going.

Monday I am beginning project health. This involves going to the gym 6 days a week, eating 3 healthy, home-made meals, and eating healthy snacks every two hours between meals. You may ask why I would ever do such a thing. Well, I need to put on some weight. I just want to work hard for a month by going to the gym and forcing myself to eat a lot to see if I can make a difference. Then I'll decide what the plan of action will be from there. I'll keep you updated.



In other news, I really enjoyed Where the Wild Things Are. I know a lot of people didn't like it. It is definitely not a kids movie... but it captures childhood in a really amazing and profound way. I loved it.

Post #70

I wish Gatorade flavors were more informative. What the hell does "True Force" taste like?

Off Balance

I'm not sure why I am writing this. I mean, I know I write because it helps me to understand what I am thinking, but it seems so weird to me to have it published where people can read. If I think about that too much I won't do it. I've been postponing this post. I guess I am afraid of being judged.

My life has been way out of balance for the past, oh I don't know, 6 months? Maybe longer. I keep myself incredibly busy. These past few weeks have been especially insane. I've been working on this movie every spare minute of the day and night. I have missed class, skipped work, and sacrificed sleep. It has been my life. I've pulled countless all-nighters. At one point I had only slept 5 hours in a 60 hour period. I caught a minor cold for a couple days, but somehow I don't have it anymore.

Anyway, that was just recently. Before then, I kept busy. I always have. I realize now why I do it. Why I make sure that I am so busy all the time. It's funny- it is the same advice President Hinkley gave to missionaries- go to work. I do it because in reality, I'm not happy. But if I'm busy, I don't have time to think about that.

I find lots of ways to stay busy. Working is one of them. Up until work on this movie began I worked almost every Sunday since August on top of my 20 hours on campus. I was working full time on top of school.

Playing. Yes, I do this when there isn't anymore work I can do. I have a blast. You would never know I was unhappy because, well- I can't believe it myself when I'm having so much fun.

These are really the two main ways I fill my time. I haven't been to church in who knows how long. At least since I moved into my new ward. I guess I can't call it my ward because I haven't even been there to get my records transferred. So at least 2 months... probably closer to 3.

When, at the end of the day, I have nothing to rush off to or errands to run, people to call, things to do-- I realize how entirely unhappy I am. I'm not a fool. I know why I'm not happy. I guess religion has all the answers. But here is the strange part. Even though I know what I need to do to be happy- I don't want to do it. I don't want to re-evaluate my life and put things in order and go to church and get a calling and do all the things I know I should and always have. It's pathetic-- I know. I'm letting myself slip away.

Don't get me wrong, I want more than anything to live the "Mormon Dream." You know, go to church, be spiritual and happy, get married, have kids. I have so many friends that are on that path and I am so happy for them. A part of me is jealous. I never thought I'd be where I am. I figured I'd be where they are I guess. I just don't know how. How do I get from point A to B? And second. Is it worth it? I mean, in the long run I know it will be. But habits are hard to break and form and that is rough.

So there. I've spilled my thoughts onto the internet for everyone to see. I didn't do it before because I thought girls might read it and think... wow, better stay away from that one. He isn't someone I'd want to get involved with. Which is true- they probably don't, but I don't care. I'm not going to pretend everything is just dandy so people around me feel more comfortable.

Post #68

I bet IHOP waiters feel bad for people that come in alone at 6am to eat breakfast.

Post #67

Today I went to IHOP at 6am by myself. My sleep schedule is all messed up and I was craving IHOP pancakes. I don't know why, but I always feel bad for the waiters who work at 24 hour places like IHOP and Dennys between the hours of 10pm and 6am and always give them a good tip.