Going Home in April

Originally, I wasn't planning on going home until August (maybe)... but turns out things at home aren't going very well. So, off to CA I will be come a month from now.

My dog is dead. She was put to sleep last night. The story behind it all is kind of sad. She had congestive heart failure and had this cough that just kept getting worse and worse. She had water in her lungs and so basically coughed because she felt as if she were drowning. Well, medications and tests would cost hundreds of dollars and might only extend her life a few months or so. So my mom figured that they should put her down before it got too bad.

Well, my mom was told she had to go to the county "humane" society building rather than the city because we are not technically part of the city that our mailing address states. We are unincorporated. Well, this county place ended up not being very humane. My dog of course was fine the whole way there. Sticking her head out the window, looking around at the passing scenery. When my parents and sister got to the place and finished filling out paperwork they had them take her out back. My sister was crying loudly and my mom was teary because of my sister and everyone there just stared.

When they took my dog out back a man came out with a rope. My dog immediately showed her teeth and tried to bite the man and tried jumping up on my dad (she doesn't normally do this). It was like she knew what was coming. They take her in to a room with a bunch of kennels and put her in one and then start walking out with my family. My mom was pretty confused. She thought they would get to be there with her. At the time though, it was all so new to her and she just kind of asked... "well, what is going to happen." Meanwhile my sister is bawling, so my mom kind of uncomfortably allows them to take them back out while my dog sits alone awaiting her death by strangers.

When my mom was recounting this she was getting pretty depressed. She felt really bad and after the fact thought of all the things she should have done, but I think the blame is on the humane society. What a bunch of cruel and inhumane people! I mean, my dog obviously didn't like the people... were they mean to her? Was she forced down while they injected her? It was probably a very frightening last few minutes of her life where she felt completely abandoned. And then my family felt the same way.... guilty, no closure whatsoever. It is sad.

Embrace Life

This is an example of why I want to make movies. Thanks for sharing Wendi.

New Look

As you can see, I've changed the look of my blog. It is sort of original... I used a template and customized it a little. The background picture was taken on the cruise in December. Small adjustments will have to do until I have time to learn more about CSS and html.

Imma Be a Producer

I know, two posts in a day. Crazy. Well, despite how incredibly busy this semester has been and despite the fact that I feel like I am forever behind in classes and personal projects, I've made some big decisions that deal with my future. I am currently working on three films, taking 16 credits, and working 20-hour weeks. I also have two projects that I started awhile ago for people that I have yet to finish. Hopefully this weekend will be productive.

Come the end of the semester I will be producing a zombie movie in three dimensions. I am scared out of my mind, but I feel that I would be good at producing. This project has been in the works for some time now and will be going full force right at the heels of our recent 3D sci-fi comedy which should be done by the end of March. Tomorrow a large portion of the film will be screened at the Sci-Fi conference that is taking place a BYU right now called Life, the Universe, and Everything. However, the models are under construction and so the film is not yet complete.

It will be interesting to see the reaction to the film.Many people scoffed at the idea of a few students figuring out how to shoot a 3D movie and build a custom 3D rig... well, we did it- and it looks amazing. The Zombie movie will be our first project on this scale outside of BYU. We need to find investors and create a business plan, budget, LLC, and the list goes on. Here's the catch, it all needs to be done by the end of September. Yeah, we live on the edge.It is my last summer before I graduate and I was really hesitant to commit to this project because I really need to make this summer count. But I had some experiences that basically told me that I needed to do this project. That means reject any internship opportunities I may have and forget about even working full-time. This movie will be my life this summer and I may not see one penny from it. It still scares the crap out of me, but for someone like me who doesn't really stay in-tuned enough to receive a whole lot of spiritual guidance, the guidance I received about this was a big deal and I won't argue with it. Bring on the Zombies.

A couple phone pics of some of the sets we built for the 3D Sci-Fi:

These sets were built by almost zero time, zero money, and zero people who had little or no experience. Cardboard ceilings, warped wood walls, painter's plastic light fixtures. Oh yeah, this is low budget. Accomplishing this made me believe that we could actually make movies. Now imagine it all in 3D. Oh yeah.

Blog Boredom

I really want to design my own blog... I just don't really have the time to learn how to do it. This will be one of my summer projects I think. Until then, I guess we will have to stick to this.

In other news, I've been having a lot of really good conversations lately with some really neat people. I love having friends that I can trust. Trust has always been a hard thing for me to give because of how vulnerable it can make you. It is like putting a bit of your soul in someone's hand. They could easily crush it or drop it on the floor where strangers could stomp on it. Luckily, I have friends that protect that bit of myself that I have entrusted to them.

Why are we so judgmental? I mean, in a society full of the notion of taboos and political correctness, I guess it is really hard not to be. Sometimes I feel like we all just need to cut the crap and be honest with ourselves. We all carry these secrets that vary in scale of shock value. We lock them up in a lead box that we haul around on our backs because we are so afraid that if someone sees what is inside we will be abandoned. The truth is, it would be much more healthy if we could talk openly about the things that haunt us without fear of being judged. I think we'd be surprised to find that the stranger next to us is carrying a very similar secret.

This is one reason I really like Post Secret's blog. I really should buy one of their books. It is also one reason that, for the most part, I am not impressed with the Hopefully Mormon blog. I mean, I guess that the blog is nice... but it is too full of that "all-is-well" stage face that we all put on. Give it to me straight. I want it all in raw form. I want to hear how people like me struggle on the inside. I feel that hearing about how someone struggles, but still manages to stay above water and hope for a brighter day is much more telling then phrases like "God is all around us." I mean, that's wonderful... but what about the majority of people who struggle to see that? What about people who struggle everyday to feel that, but every once in awhile they have a small experience where they felt God around them for those few seconds that give them the courage to press on? I want to hear those stories.

Caribbean Christmas #3

Caribbean Christmas #2

Here are a few more pictures:

A Caribbean Christmas #1

So I thought I'd post some of my favorite pictures from Christmas over the course of a few posts. They were taken by various members of the family, so I can't take credit for all of them. The first 4 are San Juan Puerto Rico and the last one was in St. Thomas.

2010

New Year. Does anyone else have this thing with important dates where they commit to a certain resolution? For instance, "when I turn 25, I'll start..." but then your 25th birthday comes and then you think... "on the first of the month I'll start..." and the first comes and goes, and the pattern goes on and on jumping to seemingly "important" dates.

I have that problem. So it was a new beginning on the first... but now I'm looking for the next important date. I can't just have a resolution starting on the 17th or 5th or some random day. I guess it is always too soon. And for some reason I feel like there is added power with a meaningful day. Really it is just procrastination; one of my more prominent and detrimental flaws.

Someone recently told me that pretending is a good thing. I usually feel like some sort of poser or hypocrite of some kind when I am acting like someone I'm not. I'm usually a pretty genuine person. But he was saying that if you act like it... if I go on pretending to be okay, pretending to be the person I guess deep down I want to be, one day I will wake up and actually be that person. I'm not sure how that works, or if it will... but I guess I'll try it out. I've been stuck in quicksand for so long though, and people-- my legs are long and I don't have much muscle to pull them out. I need to go to the gym.

Post #77

Why is it that I seem to finally get the guts to ask a girl out just before they are engaged? Seriously. Someone has it out for me.

Post #76

I think I'm just going to graduate in Spring. Why stay in school?

What am I Thankful for?

Haliaka asked me what I loved or what I am thankful for. Usually I find that things I hate are more interesting. But what am I thankful for? I'm at a place in my life where find myself pretty bitter. But I do find joy in some things:

• I think acting class is a blast
• I love the new friends I've made in classes this semester
• I'm glad that I can still make other people happy
• I am thankful for REAL friends
• My family is great
• I am thankful that I have always had good health
• I'm so glad that I know people who really know me
• I love filmmaking

I am not perfect... but I'm still a good person. I might not do good things all the time... but I never intentionally hurt another person.

Post #74

The doctor said I suffer from a hardened heart. The treatment: start with the basics.

Post #73

I hate our health care system. I hate that I have to go to a particular specialist in California and get tests done at a particular place in Corona when I live in Utah.

I hate that I have to spend 15 minutes on hold just to set an appointment that I can't set because I don't have my insurance card in my hand. Just put my name next to the freaking time slot! I'm positive that you won't let me in without my card if I show up. Even if I don't have it or don't show up, I know that everyone there will have been waiting at least half an hour past their scheduled "appointment" and that no one will be sitting around wondering why Jonathan Adamson didn't show.

Post #72

I hate it when you are at the gym and you have this routine and someone is on your machine.

I hate it more when they decide to have a conversation for half an hour while just sitting on the machine. Do people really have that much free time?

Beginnings

Okay,

So this was my first week back from insanity. All I really wanted to do was sleep. But... next week- Next week is the beginning.

I've let a lot of things slide. Besides church attendance and all the good stuff that goes along with that, I also haven't been to the gym in months or eaten at my apartment. Sleep has been made optional and I have found myself sleeping at random locations where sanitation may have been questioned if I wasn't so freakin tired.

However, Sunday I am going to my ward for the first time. It should be interesting. "Oh hi, yeah- I've lived here for 2 months, nice to meet you." I hope that since I never was there in the first place I won't be considered "less-active" or whatever and get the special project treatment. I really planned on going last Sunday- I even got my suit dry-cleaned, but I got home at 7:30am on Sunday and there was no way in hell I was going to stay awake a minute longer. But tomorrow, I am finally going.

Monday I am beginning project health. This involves going to the gym 6 days a week, eating 3 healthy, home-made meals, and eating healthy snacks every two hours between meals. You may ask why I would ever do such a thing. Well, I need to put on some weight. I just want to work hard for a month by going to the gym and forcing myself to eat a lot to see if I can make a difference. Then I'll decide what the plan of action will be from there. I'll keep you updated.



In other news, I really enjoyed Where the Wild Things Are. I know a lot of people didn't like it. It is definitely not a kids movie... but it captures childhood in a really amazing and profound way. I loved it.

Post #70

I wish Gatorade flavors were more informative. What the hell does "True Force" taste like?

Off Balance

I'm not sure why I am writing this. I mean, I know I write because it helps me to understand what I am thinking, but it seems so weird to me to have it published where people can read. If I think about that too much I won't do it. I've been postponing this post. I guess I am afraid of being judged.

My life has been way out of balance for the past, oh I don't know, 6 months? Maybe longer. I keep myself incredibly busy. These past few weeks have been especially insane. I've been working on this movie every spare minute of the day and night. I have missed class, skipped work, and sacrificed sleep. It has been my life. I've pulled countless all-nighters. At one point I had only slept 5 hours in a 60 hour period. I caught a minor cold for a couple days, but somehow I don't have it anymore.

Anyway, that was just recently. Before then, I kept busy. I always have. I realize now why I do it. Why I make sure that I am so busy all the time. It's funny- it is the same advice President Hinkley gave to missionaries- go to work. I do it because in reality, I'm not happy. But if I'm busy, I don't have time to think about that.

I find lots of ways to stay busy. Working is one of them. Up until work on this movie began I worked almost every Sunday since August on top of my 20 hours on campus. I was working full time on top of school.

Playing. Yes, I do this when there isn't anymore work I can do. I have a blast. You would never know I was unhappy because, well- I can't believe it myself when I'm having so much fun.

These are really the two main ways I fill my time. I haven't been to church in who knows how long. At least since I moved into my new ward. I guess I can't call it my ward because I haven't even been there to get my records transferred. So at least 2 months... probably closer to 3.

When, at the end of the day, I have nothing to rush off to or errands to run, people to call, things to do-- I realize how entirely unhappy I am. I'm not a fool. I know why I'm not happy. I guess religion has all the answers. But here is the strange part. Even though I know what I need to do to be happy- I don't want to do it. I don't want to re-evaluate my life and put things in order and go to church and get a calling and do all the things I know I should and always have. It's pathetic-- I know. I'm letting myself slip away.

Don't get me wrong, I want more than anything to live the "Mormon Dream." You know, go to church, be spiritual and happy, get married, have kids. I have so many friends that are on that path and I am so happy for them. A part of me is jealous. I never thought I'd be where I am. I figured I'd be where they are I guess. I just don't know how. How do I get from point A to B? And second. Is it worth it? I mean, in the long run I know it will be. But habits are hard to break and form and that is rough.

So there. I've spilled my thoughts onto the internet for everyone to see. I didn't do it before because I thought girls might read it and think... wow, better stay away from that one. He isn't someone I'd want to get involved with. Which is true- they probably don't, but I don't care. I'm not going to pretend everything is just dandy so people around me feel more comfortable.

Post #68

I bet IHOP waiters feel bad for people that come in alone at 6am to eat breakfast.

Post #67

Today I went to IHOP at 6am by myself. My sleep schedule is all messed up and I was craving IHOP pancakes. I don't know why, but I always feel bad for the waiters who work at 24 hour places like IHOP and Dennys between the hours of 10pm and 6am and always give them a good tip.